Well.
It's been 11 months since I posted here.
2016.
This is not a 'New year, new me' thing. This is me attempting to finish something I started around 14 months ago. I have had a...long relapse period.
New girlfriend, stunning girl. Been dating for around a month and a half now and things are progressing nicely. She can be very horny, no guy has ever made her cum. I intend to change that.
Problem: I can't maintain an erection during sex. I start strong, then I just stop feeling as horny. I'm focusing on the act. This may be down to inexperience, but I reckon my porn addiction is part of it, and that needs to change.
No girl has ever made me cum. The only way I have ever orgasmed is when my left hand has been in full control. This I also intend to change. It must hurt a girls self esteem to not make a guy cum, even when its not her fault. I do my best to make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world when I'm with her, and I get the feeling I'm achieving this. However, I have more to give, there is more I can do to increase her feeling of being wanted.
I turn 20 tomorrow. I have spent 6 years in a cycle of porn and masturbation addiction. That accounts for over a quarter of my life. Those are years I can't take back. I wouldn't want to take them back either. They taught me a lot and I wouldn't be the man I am today without them. I wouldn't change anything I've ever done, for better or worse, because of the lessons I've been taught.
I haven't been making the same mistakes as I have in the past. I no longer send naked pictures, nor do I ever ask for them. I'm better than that. I respect myself more than that. I also respect women more than I used to. Guys and girls who are doing naked selfies, either sending or receiving. You are worth more than that, and the people you're doing it with deserve enough respect for you to say no. There is no fun or sexual appeal in people finding pictures of you or pictures people have sent you on your devices. It torments me to this day the things that I did in the past. Feelings of fear and regret. It doesn't have to be you. That doesn't have to be anyone. Don't do what I did, you WILL regret it, I guarantee it. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next year, but you will regret it, and you'll wish you paid attention to this post.
I've gone off on a tangent, and I apologise, but I blog what I'm thinking, and that was at the forefront of my mind. Don't. Ever.
Anyways, I have revision to do and not procrastinate over. I will be here again very soon.
It's...not good to be back, because I'm not looking forward to the challenge, but it needs doing, and this story needs to be told.
Much love,
KD x
Saturday 16 January 2016
Sunday 8 February 2015
Day 6.5 - I'm back
Good afternoon you beautiful people,
I have been away for a VERY long time, I've relapsed many times, I've kicked myself In the ass a few times, I've taken a few cold showers then went back to hot (yes I know, I'm weak in that respect :P). The past few weeks I've relapsed once a week in which that relapse comprised of 1 to 3 faps. This is an improvement on the 2-3 day relapse rate I had around a month ago. Things are going surprisingly alright for me at the moment. I got 2 firsts and a 2:1 in my first lot of uni exams, I'm having a crack at some online dating with okCupid and generally life's not too bad. I'm still depressingly single, but I can live with that.
I'm a lot more aware of my urges these days. I watched an interested TedX talk a while back where the speaker was talking about addiction and how it's really good to recognise when you're feeling urges so you can 'take a step back', acknowledge those urges so that you can make the ultimate descision of 'is it worth it?'. If the answer is yes, then (taking porn addiction as an example) go ahead. PMO. Enjoy your 10 seconds of intense pleasure and then the hours of kicking yourself for being so stupid. If the answer is no, then don't repress the urges or ignore them! Acknowledge them. Allow them to exist, be in harmony with them. The harder you fight, the more likely you'll fail.
Happy Sunday everyone,
Catch you later,
KD
I have been away for a VERY long time, I've relapsed many times, I've kicked myself In the ass a few times, I've taken a few cold showers then went back to hot (yes I know, I'm weak in that respect :P). The past few weeks I've relapsed once a week in which that relapse comprised of 1 to 3 faps. This is an improvement on the 2-3 day relapse rate I had around a month ago. Things are going surprisingly alright for me at the moment. I got 2 firsts and a 2:1 in my first lot of uni exams, I'm having a crack at some online dating with okCupid and generally life's not too bad. I'm still depressingly single, but I can live with that.
I'm a lot more aware of my urges these days. I watched an interested TedX talk a while back where the speaker was talking about addiction and how it's really good to recognise when you're feeling urges so you can 'take a step back', acknowledge those urges so that you can make the ultimate descision of 'is it worth it?'. If the answer is yes, then (taking porn addiction as an example) go ahead. PMO. Enjoy your 10 seconds of intense pleasure and then the hours of kicking yourself for being so stupid. If the answer is no, then don't repress the urges or ignore them! Acknowledge them. Allow them to exist, be in harmony with them. The harder you fight, the more likely you'll fail.
Happy Sunday everyone,
Catch you later,
KD
Tuesday 9 December 2014
Day 3
For whatever reason this journal is helping with my stress levels. After I post I feel so much calmer, able to sleep better. I don't understand this. Also when I feel the urge to fap, simply logging on to this takes that urge away, even if I post nothing. Sorry this post has very little substance, it's 0305 and I can't sleep. My sleeping pattern is f#%ked at the moment :( ah well. At least I'm hitting Newcastle hard for the next three nights ;)
Till next time,
KD
Till next time,
KD
Sunday 7 December 2014
Super Relapse - Day 1
Evening all,
It has been a long time, but that's been due to me trying to get my head straight. A lots happened in the last couple of weeks since my last post. I finally managed to speak to the girl I was with to talk about what was going on. Turns out I thought the relationship was more than it was, and it was just a bit of fun. She told me she's happy being single and not being tied down. I'm actually more ok with that then I thought I would have been, because I asked her to be honest with me, and she was. That helped a lot with my feelings of sadness about the whole thing. This last week has been difficult though, because she's still on my mind as I'm trying to move on. Its possible we may end up living together next year, which would be cool because she's a nice person and seems to be easy enough to live with, but if I haven't moved on by then it'll tear me apart. I need to meet someone new and get over it all, but I have no idea where I'd go looking, because I don't want the type of girl I'd meet in a club, but only have a few hours of ecstasy with.
This has led me into what has basically been a week long relapse with some fairly dark porn, though not as dark as I used to watch in the past, and no-where near are often, but this is still not good. I do think that regular posting this blog as much as my representation on NoFap helps, as every time I've relapsed, its been when I've taken a couple of days away from this. Christmas holidays are coming and I'm hoping I can keep clean over the whole thing. Its possible I may have a rebound whilst on holiday, that would be very nice for me to be honest. Its a curse that I crave the touch and attention of a girl who I can always rely on to be there for me if I need a hug or a kiss, but as it stands there is no such girl for me. The last 2 months have been merely a taste of that, and I want more so bad, it hurts. Still, all that leaves for me is to stop fapping, get the testosterone level back up for confidence and actually go and do something about my craving for female attention. That time I made it 18 days without PMO I did notice that people looked at me differently. If I can come back to uni after christmas almost a month clear, the world will be my plaything! By the time my birthday comes around in mid January, I'll have amassed a month and a week worth of NoFap. Thats a week of being halfway to 90 days! However, for my NoFap counter, I'm keeping it simple. I'm going 1 week at a time, as it stands, 90 days is far too big a target to hit, but if I take this challenge one week at a time for the first month or so, then 2 weeks at a time for the second month, then in the third and final month leading up to 90 days, work on getting the month under control. I can do this, I know I can, but it'll take some serious willpower. I need to find a replacement for dopamine hits in the meantime. Possibly more gym time and fitness and runs and stuff. No time like the present to start, so I've already been to the gym today.
Keep looking after yourselves all, give yourselves a break or two over the coming weeks,
Adios,
KD
It has been a long time, but that's been due to me trying to get my head straight. A lots happened in the last couple of weeks since my last post. I finally managed to speak to the girl I was with to talk about what was going on. Turns out I thought the relationship was more than it was, and it was just a bit of fun. She told me she's happy being single and not being tied down. I'm actually more ok with that then I thought I would have been, because I asked her to be honest with me, and she was. That helped a lot with my feelings of sadness about the whole thing. This last week has been difficult though, because she's still on my mind as I'm trying to move on. Its possible we may end up living together next year, which would be cool because she's a nice person and seems to be easy enough to live with, but if I haven't moved on by then it'll tear me apart. I need to meet someone new and get over it all, but I have no idea where I'd go looking, because I don't want the type of girl I'd meet in a club, but only have a few hours of ecstasy with.
This has led me into what has basically been a week long relapse with some fairly dark porn, though not as dark as I used to watch in the past, and no-where near are often, but this is still not good. I do think that regular posting this blog as much as my representation on NoFap helps, as every time I've relapsed, its been when I've taken a couple of days away from this. Christmas holidays are coming and I'm hoping I can keep clean over the whole thing. Its possible I may have a rebound whilst on holiday, that would be very nice for me to be honest. Its a curse that I crave the touch and attention of a girl who I can always rely on to be there for me if I need a hug or a kiss, but as it stands there is no such girl for me. The last 2 months have been merely a taste of that, and I want more so bad, it hurts. Still, all that leaves for me is to stop fapping, get the testosterone level back up for confidence and actually go and do something about my craving for female attention. That time I made it 18 days without PMO I did notice that people looked at me differently. If I can come back to uni after christmas almost a month clear, the world will be my plaything! By the time my birthday comes around in mid January, I'll have amassed a month and a week worth of NoFap. Thats a week of being halfway to 90 days! However, for my NoFap counter, I'm keeping it simple. I'm going 1 week at a time, as it stands, 90 days is far too big a target to hit, but if I take this challenge one week at a time for the first month or so, then 2 weeks at a time for the second month, then in the third and final month leading up to 90 days, work on getting the month under control. I can do this, I know I can, but it'll take some serious willpower. I need to find a replacement for dopamine hits in the meantime. Possibly more gym time and fitness and runs and stuff. No time like the present to start, so I've already been to the gym today.
Keep looking after yourselves all, give yourselves a break or two over the coming weeks,
Adios,
KD
Sunday 23 November 2014
Friday 21 November 2014
Day 0-relapse
In the early hours of this morning I relapsed...
Wednesday night I got really drunk and my gf wasn't very drunk at all and she was with me and all of Thursday she didn't text me. She told me that I grabbed her neck that night. She smiled and said she didn't think I meant it and it wasn't malicious, and knowing what I'm like I probably thought I was gently caressing her neck and possibly lost balance. , but I still feel bad about it. Idk what to do about it. How do you recover from that? I just don't know. I'd never hurt her. That night all I could think about was how fond I am of her and I just wanted her company. For fucks sake this is confusing. We're both going to someone's 19th tonight so hopefully we'll resolve there but this is going to haunt me for a while I reckon.
Till next time,
KD
Wednesday night I got really drunk and my gf wasn't very drunk at all and she was with me and all of Thursday she didn't text me. She told me that I grabbed her neck that night. She smiled and said she didn't think I meant it and it wasn't malicious, and knowing what I'm like I probably thought I was gently caressing her neck and possibly lost balance. , but I still feel bad about it. Idk what to do about it. How do you recover from that? I just don't know. I'd never hurt her. That night all I could think about was how fond I am of her and I just wanted her company. For fucks sake this is confusing. We're both going to someone's 19th tonight so hopefully we'll resolve there but this is going to haunt me for a while I reckon.
Till next time,
KD
Tuesday 18 November 2014
Day 15?
Last night was the closest I've come to relapsing yet and it's scaring me.
Yesterday I went to see the girlfriend for a bit, and things escalated to us grinding each other, so that turned me on enormously, but I had to do something. A few hours later, I was in bed and texting an ex (as you do) because she wanted some help with a lad she's trying to get with and I'm on good terms with her, so I did. She used to be a sex addict so I told her about NoFap and she was impressed, she's been free of mindless sexting and sex for almost the same amount of time as me and we were both congratulating each other and expressing how much better it is. For me I feel less guilt, for her its more about realising her body is not just a toy and should be respected more.
But I digress,
Talking to her sparked some memories and I got some incredible kinky flashbacks and new fantasies that wouldn't go away. I'd describe it as head porn. I spent the next couple of hours lying awake and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I could feel a couple of HUGE rushes of dopamine, I felt like I was flying, but I was so scared that I'd break my streak. The only thing keeping me from touching my penis, which was begging for attention was that my desire to break this habit was stronger. Last night is an example of how big the problem is, but how it IS possible to resist the urges, even when I realise it would have taking maybe 20 seconds or less of fapping to cum, the state I was in. It was a warning to not let my thoughts get carried away, but its also a bit of a symbol of hope that I do have self control. I do have a choice, and so does everyone else!
I also feel like I understand drug addicts more and more. The reason I fapped before, and the reason the porn and fantasies got more extreme is very similar to what drug addicts do. I started on soft stuff, in the same way a non drug addict may start with smoking weed. The dopamine hit is great the first few times, but after a while its just not the same, and you have to watch more extreme porn in my case, or move to a harder drug in a drug addicts case. From there it simply escalates until you get to a point when you realise its ruining your life, but you don't care, because its only about you. Since I met this girl, suddenly I have a real reason to do NoFap. I can understand it may sound shallow, but I want to make sex incredible when we get round to it and without NoFap, I won't be able to get it up. This has a backlash effect of the girl then questioning her attractiveness and her ability to get me up, which is not how it should be! She's really good looking and has a lovely body and I so wish it were easier for me to just get it over with, but I know I need to take my time.
I'm almost 5 years into a porn addiction, so kicking the habit is tough, but I'm seeing it through, and having an anonymous blog which I can use to share my story with the world or anyone who cares helps because it gives me another reason to do this. I don't get many page views, but I get at least 2 or 3 a day so I feel that if people are making the effort to visit this page, they deserve to see some results as well.
I have no comments, but I'm sure the people reading this are supporting me morally, so thank you, even just seeing small view numbers means a lot :)
That was a huge post for me, but theres lots I wanted to get off my mind.
Adios,
KD
Yesterday I went to see the girlfriend for a bit, and things escalated to us grinding each other, so that turned me on enormously, but I had to do something. A few hours later, I was in bed and texting an ex (as you do) because she wanted some help with a lad she's trying to get with and I'm on good terms with her, so I did. She used to be a sex addict so I told her about NoFap and she was impressed, she's been free of mindless sexting and sex for almost the same amount of time as me and we were both congratulating each other and expressing how much better it is. For me I feel less guilt, for her its more about realising her body is not just a toy and should be respected more.
But I digress,
Talking to her sparked some memories and I got some incredible kinky flashbacks and new fantasies that wouldn't go away. I'd describe it as head porn. I spent the next couple of hours lying awake and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I could feel a couple of HUGE rushes of dopamine, I felt like I was flying, but I was so scared that I'd break my streak. The only thing keeping me from touching my penis, which was begging for attention was that my desire to break this habit was stronger. Last night is an example of how big the problem is, but how it IS possible to resist the urges, even when I realise it would have taking maybe 20 seconds or less of fapping to cum, the state I was in. It was a warning to not let my thoughts get carried away, but its also a bit of a symbol of hope that I do have self control. I do have a choice, and so does everyone else!
I also feel like I understand drug addicts more and more. The reason I fapped before, and the reason the porn and fantasies got more extreme is very similar to what drug addicts do. I started on soft stuff, in the same way a non drug addict may start with smoking weed. The dopamine hit is great the first few times, but after a while its just not the same, and you have to watch more extreme porn in my case, or move to a harder drug in a drug addicts case. From there it simply escalates until you get to a point when you realise its ruining your life, but you don't care, because its only about you. Since I met this girl, suddenly I have a real reason to do NoFap. I can understand it may sound shallow, but I want to make sex incredible when we get round to it and without NoFap, I won't be able to get it up. This has a backlash effect of the girl then questioning her attractiveness and her ability to get me up, which is not how it should be! She's really good looking and has a lovely body and I so wish it were easier for me to just get it over with, but I know I need to take my time.
I'm almost 5 years into a porn addiction, so kicking the habit is tough, but I'm seeing it through, and having an anonymous blog which I can use to share my story with the world or anyone who cares helps because it gives me another reason to do this. I don't get many page views, but I get at least 2 or 3 a day so I feel that if people are making the effort to visit this page, they deserve to see some results as well.
I have no comments, but I'm sure the people reading this are supporting me morally, so thank you, even just seeing small view numbers means a lot :)
That was a huge post for me, but theres lots I wanted to get off my mind.
Adios,
KD
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